As we hit the holidays full speed, I was grateful to obtain from a confidential inside source a pre-release copy of the “Donald J. Trump Campaign for President official New Year’s Resolutions”:
• Investigate St. Nick with regard to that long white beard. Makes him look like he might be an imam.
• Attempt to relocate Statue of Liberty from New York Harbor. Those robes look suspiciously close to a burka and she’s started attracting the wrong kind of crowd.
• Hire Ted Cruz as my running mate/mini-me.
• During next debate, make Jeb Bush cry.
• Determine if anyone new left to insult beyond my Muslim, immigrant, heavy-set, female, disabled and Jewish friends (each of whom is fabulous, really, and agrees with me).
• Complete construction of wall within Seven Springs mansion, to keep from having to listen to Melania’s conversations in Russian with her mysterious new friends.
• Send ISIS card thanking them for all they’ve done for my campaign, in response to the card they sent expressing appreciation for all I’ve done to help their recruitment.
• Spend less time talking about “me” and “I” [and more time talking about “The Donald”].
• Get phoenix approved as new national bird, to celebrate the political party I will raise out of the ashes of the Republican one.
• Thank-you note to Bill Clinton for encouraging me to get into the presidential campaign.
• Funnel $50,000 into Bernie Sanders’ campaign, split among 10,000 anonymous donations of $5 each.
• Shut down the Internet on my birthday, for a time of national reflection.
• Contact Kim Jong-un again to get that number for the barber he so highly recommended.
• Bask in the fact that I am still the Reason for the (campaign) Season.
• Record CD of holiday songs with Vladimir Putin. It will be tremendous. Really tremendous.
Having read this list, I began in earnest looking again on the NASA website for the application to join the first human mission to Mars.
David Schleicher is an attorney with offices in Waco, D.C., and Houston and member of the Waco Tribune-Herald Board of Contributors.
Posted: Saturday, December 19, 2015 12:01 am at WacoTrib.com.