The convention center floor will be surrounded on all sides by a giant opaque glass wall, serving in lieu of projection screens. Deemed the only one enough of a lightweight to pull it off, throughout the proceedings and high above the crowd on a red velvet seat, Marco Rubio will swing to and fro, dressed in frilly knickers.
Day One: The convention opens as Nickleback’s “Burn it to the Ground” plays over loudspeakers (all other rock groups having obtained court orders against The Donald using their music for his campaign). Then silence.
As the attendees sit in rapt attention, little people dressed in tuxedos and ball gowns skip in from each side toward the middle, singing “We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.” They join hands in a circle around the center ring. Again silence. Darkness. A pause.
Suddenly bright, giant images are flashed on the inside of the glass wall surrounding the delegates: Undocumented immigrants crossing rivers with weapons in their hands. Pictures of Chinese merchants in ancient garb but shown pickpocketing hardworking Americans. Generic death metal music plays. Images fade as Lee Green’s “God Bless the USA” plays.
Then an image of a cackling Hillary Clinton on a broom zooms around the wall, holographic monkeys flying behind her. Booing by delegates allows time to fade to silence. Complete darkness. Spotlight above center ring as a cloud of fog dissipates to reveal The Donald slowly descending from above in a white robe, a laurel wreath holding his hair in place. A familiar musical fanfare by Richard Strauss plays as Donald gestures a blessing on the congregation.
“DONALD! DONALD! DONALD!” the delegates exclaim in ecstasy as he is lowered to the ground, with no visible means of support. Now, “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” He motions for them to quiet. The Donald speaks. “The man who has no sense of history is like a man who has no ears or eyes. Strength lies not in defense but in attack. How fortunate for leaders that men do not think.” The delegates: “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!”
The Donald: “With a single blow we must destroy the enemy . . . without regard of losses . . . a gigantic all-destroying blow. Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination.” The delegates: “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!”
The Donald: “I love the women. Ladies, I want your vote and I love you.” The circle of little people around him drops beneath the floor, then returns, this time full of beauty queens (Miss Armenia, Miss Estonia, Ms. Latvia, Ms. Lithuania, etc.). Announcer: “Thank you, Mr. Putin, for providing our hostesses tonight!” Male delegates hoot, whistle and cheer. The Donald: “I love the ladies and they love me, lots of love from their hearts. Wherevers.”
Darkness. A long silence as the set is changed. Lights back on. Pan the crowd, showing convention center now is mysteriously uncrowded (assume many of the female delegates will have left). The Donald: “Magic! I made them disappear! I’ll do the same to Hillary and every other enemy of America.” Crowd applauds in a deafening roar.
A helicopter appears from above, barely missing the still-swinging Marco, lands and takes The Donald away. Day One of the convention ends. Pan crowd to show delegates weeping at departure of their great leader.
Day Two: Hunger Games to select vice-presidential candidate.
Day Three: a coliseum look. Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush released into center ring to face off against each other and then a lion.
Day Four: Dennis Rodman, Coach Bobby Knight and other athletes explain The Donald’s foreign policy positions.
Day Five — closing night: Delegates wear large foam hands reading, “Make America Giant Again.” Ben Carson offers closing prayer. Trump tells delegates he loves them and says to “now, go out there and beat the sh– out of those protesters!”
Estimated cost: $3 million, assuming use of undocumented workers. Initial audience testing will confirm it went over bigly with The Donald (and even with The Hillary). But Paul Ryan is seen running to the restroom with his hands over his mouth.
David Schleicher is an attorney with offices in Waco, D.C. and Houston and member of the Waco Tribune-Herald Board of Contributors. This piece originally appeared in the May 10, 2016 paper.