“The system is rigged!”
That’s the one thing that The Donald, The Bernie and the me agree on. How else could I have obtained this leaked Sept. 26 transcript of the first presidential debate? From it we learn exactly what Trump (DT), Hillary Clinton (HC) and Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson (GJ) will say. Apparently the only detail to be filled in is which reporters will ask the scripted questions — just as you suspected.
Media: Welcome to Dayton, Ohio, and the first general election debate of the 2016 presidential election.
DT: I’m Donald Trump! Spasibo!
HC: And I’m not. Not at all.
GJ: I’m . . . I’m . . . oh my god, I’m in a presidential debate . . . I . . .
Media: How will we solve the $20 trillion national debt?
DT: Chapter 13 and I don’t mean the Two Corinthians.
HC: I propose we tax bigotry.
GJ: When they go low, we’ll get high. And tax it.
Media: What’s your position on the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade deal?
DT: Trump University is offering a course on trade wars. Get out your credit cards.
HC: Is this microphone working? (tapping mike) I believe I’m out of time, I . . .
GJ: Legal pot brownies. Legal pot Dr. Pepper floats. Legal pot Cheetos. Legal—
Media: Who would your first Supreme Court nominee be?
DT: Judge Roy Bean? Believe me — a law and order guy. Maybe Judge Reinhold? I loved “Beverly Hills Cop.” Huge fan.
HC: Someone not named Donald Trump. Michelle Obama?
GJ: Ummm . . . Bob Marley? Timothy Leary? It’s great to be invited to this —
Media: Should abortion rights be protected or eliminated?
DT: I’d jail the women . . . no, I support the right to . . . wait . . . I mean . . . I am personally committed to never having an abortion. The pigs who —
HC: I’m still not Donald Trump. Have we seen Donald’s tax returns yet?
GJ: Freedom from government regulation is the cornerstone of our constitutional —
Media: Does money have too much influence in politics?
DT: Why do you hate freedom?
HC: As you saw in the Priorities USA Action Super Pac ad, I’m getting money out of politics.
GJ: Did you know “Federal Reserve” is Latin for “Feed the Illuminati”?
Media: Who’s had the most influence on your life?
DT: The Benjamins. My favorite president.
HC: Certainly not Donald Trump. Never been mistaken for each other, by the way.
GJ: Umm . . . Ross Ulbricht? Okay, maybe not. Satoshi Nakamoto? Okay, Willy Wonka?
Media: What’s your solution for the war in Syria?
DT: I’ve got a secret plan. Huge, with the greatest ally ever. Pobeda za nami!
HC: Dictators, whether Bashar al-Assad or Donald Trump, respond only to strength. I . . .
GJ: Is Syria on our mail route? If not, we shouldn’t be there. We can’t afford endless—
Media: How will you deal with climate change?
DT: It’s bull****, that whole thing. I’ll fire Mother Nature for bleeding out her whatever. I’ll teach that pig to —
HC: It will be a cold day in hell before I am mistaken for Donald Trump.
GJ: Only with free markets can we solve a problem as great as —
Media: Any final words for the voters?
DT: There’s something going on. That’s all I’ll say. We need to look into it. Dobro pozhalovatʹ.
HC: God Bless America and vote for someone other than Donald Trump. Those emails I sent about Donald being on the DNC payroll, ignore those. Thought they had been deleted.
GJ: Oh no! I wasted my one chance to tell America how —
Media: And so it ends. See you Oct. 4 in Farmville, Virginia!
[Originally appeared July 31, 2016 at 7A in Waco Tribune-Herald, where David is a member of the Board of Contributors]