You dare to suggest that a special session of the Texas Legislature to address the “bathroom bill” is unnecessary, wasteful, perhaps even reflective of a deviant obsession? Fear not: a list of other topics for the session has now been released and they are likewise indispensable to the daily survival of all Texas constituents:
“The Confederate Bill” — to ensure that removed Civil War statues are properly housed in the storage unit for “Losing Side of Bravery” and not accidentally “Losing Side of Slavery.”
“The Leviticus Bill” — to prevent importation of consumer products combining a shampoo, conditioner and dandruff treatment in one bottle in violation of Bible verses about scabs on the head.
“The HDMI Bill” — to eliminate the dangers posed by a spouse unnecessarily pressing the “source” button on the remote and leaving you unable to binge-watch “House of Cards.”
“The ADHD Protection Law” — to protect someone from triggering your attention deficit disorder by sitting nearby and using one of those spinner things to treat theirs.
“The Infidelity Bill” — to prohibit people from literally applying the infidelity test in the biblical book Numbers (see Chapter 5, Verses 11-31). Caution: It is promised to result in an abortion in cases of unfaithfulness.
“The YOLO/ROFLMFAO Law” — to ban teens from using social media acronyms that you do not understand, that you then attempt to use yourself and which later subject you to extreme shame by said teens.
“The Seed-Not-Weed Bill” — imposing a state jail felony on anyone who might happen to get the dumb idea to try smoking, snorting or injecting Butterfly Milkweed (Asclepias tuberosa). Disclaimer: Don’t even speculate about it.
“The Adumbra Solis Bill” — to prevent burns to your thighs caused by your significant other borrowing your car windshield sunshade without your pre-approval.
“The Star-Spangled Freedom Bill” — to prohibit ridiculing those who have lived in the United States for over four decades yet still do not know the words to the national anthem.
“The Remains of the Day Bill” — to ban your housemates from the practice of leaving a tablespoon or less of ice cream in an otherwise empty container in the freezer.
“Bricked Phone Prevention Act” — to bar parents from attempting to snoop on a teen’s phone in the middle of an operating system update, thereby causing the phone to have to be reset to factory condition.
“10-2-4 Law”—proscribing the serving by public establishments of any beverage containing prunes other than Dr Pepper.
“The Local Control Bill” — directing city councils and county commissioners to adopt only measures that state legislators find innocuous and ineffectual.
“Polar Bear Protection Act” — prohibiting the melting of glaciers and any warming of the planet that would be inconsistent with the first chapter of the book of Genesis.
“Healthcare for All Texans Bill” — replacing state participation in Medicaid and Medicare with lowering statewide blood-pressure levels by banning the watching of Fox News and MSNBC between the hours of 5 p.m. and 10 p.m.
“The Magnolia Market Law” — requiring Chip and Joanna Gaines to continue appearing on “Fixer Upper” till tax revenue from visitors to Waco has reached $1 million.
“The Freedom for Firearms Act” — prohibiting Texas citizens and visitors from disparaging guns and those who use, own or contemplate them.
“The Anti-Umbrage Enhancement Bill”—banning the practice under which the portion of vegetables exceeds the serving size of steak on the same plate.
“The Journalist Protection Act” — making it a hate crime to fail to elect candidates who assault journalists for asking difficult questions like “What do you think of the Congressional Budget Office numbers regarding the latest health care bill?”
I trust this resolves any question about whether your Legislature is full of perverts who care more about political grandstanding than they do issues like the economy, educating our children and the struggles of hardworking Texans.
David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at TheContranym.com. This piece originally appeared in the June 11, 2017 Waco Tribune-Herald, where David is on the Board of Contributors.