by David Gallagher and David Schleicher
ADDRESS TO THE ANNUAL GATHERING OF GHOSTS OF THE FOUNDING FATHERS
THE HON. DONALD J. TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES
It’s really great to be here among so many important people in American history. I see you’re all ghosts. Sad! Lots of people tell me you’re mostly top quality. We’d party at Mar-a-largo. If you weren’t so dead. And had more money. Your wives…some were very hot. Beautiful. Very nice. But also too dead.
First the good news. America is still going. We did that together. Made a new country. Great, really great. Lots of people calling to congratulate us. It’s an honor. It really is. The bad news — your democracy acts like it’s been on Obamacare. Very sick. Pitiful, really. Lots of other countries laughing at it. Feeling sorry for it. Pull the plug, as they say.
You have to take some blame for that. Some of your crazy ideas, that is. “Free speech.” What’s that? Nothing’s really free. Right? “Separation of powers.” Divide and get conquered. Why would you separate powers? “Independent judiciary.” Judges who can do whatever the hell they want. Of course, that’s a fail. A big fail. They got no boss, so they screw around a lot. Losers.
Which is why I’m here today. After my hugely successful speech to the Boy Scouts. They also had some values. Did you see the size of that crowd? They turned all the girls away because there was no room for them. Wall-to-wall people. Very nice. I heard Tiny Jeff Sessions was there, too, but nobody could see him standing behind those boys. He’s so little. I’d be embarrassed if it was me. He’s useless to me now. What’s the word? Beleaguered. That’s it. So very beleaguered.
Anyway, the Fake News Media won’t report all that. They’ll say I forgot why I was there. Talked crazy. Rambled. That I don’t know why I’m here either. But I have a teleprompter. Classy. Like a real president uses. Very professional. Expensive — do you know how expensive these things are? And The Mooch is in my ear. Like voices in my head. New guy at the White House.
He’s telling me to stick to the teleprompter. I’m his boss. I can ignore him. Or fire him. Or he’ll quit like little Jeffy Sessions keeps promising to do. How many of you want me to fire The Mooch now? I mean, right now?
But back to those ideas of yours. They’re old-fashioned. Modernize. Like me. Have you seen what the polls say? About your “big ideas”? Very unpopular. Low. In-the-basement low. Lowest ever. You’re dead with dead ideas. No heartbeat at all. Ideas you came up with 100 years ago. No wonder nobody cares about them anymore. Boring. A lot of people don’t know the Constitution is that old. As old as the Styrofoam it was printed on.
I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Boy Scouts, they’re young, so I had to tell them. The facts of life. A little bippety-bop on a yacht. That story will stay with them forever. There’s a reason they made me an Eagle Scout when I was just 6 years old. A rigged system, but I played the game. Got all my ribbons and stuff. Very impressive, people were saying.
Forgot to tell the Scouts about going backstage at the Miss Universe contest. I saw panties. Very pretty ones. Lace. Should have given me a ribbon for that! Makes me wish I was a teenage boy again! The girls were going crazy. “Oh, Mr. Trump, you’re in our dressing room!” I think they liked the attention.
Scaramucci is shouting in my ear again. Should I fire him, folks? Seriously. I mean, right now? No, he tries. He really tries. But about your ideas. I call them “values” because they should be on sale. On the 100-year-old bread rack. Pennies on the dollar. Forget your values. Give them away if you have to. Closeout!
We need some new ideas. Not girly “let’s-work-together” ideas from Crooked Hillary. And definitely not “yes we can” from Barack Hussein Obama. An African Muslim, you know — bet you didn’t expect that. Would have outlawed it. Don’t worry. Won’t happen again. You got something right — control who votes. Very smart. You’re not as dumb as people say. I like you. Electoral College. Your other good idea. So the little guy could beat out the elite masses. Modeled on Trump University.
Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness. People are still alive. And still free to do whatever they want. Smoke, work in coal mines, shoot each other, chase out people who don’t look like them. I pursue happiness every day. Especially if Melania is out of town. Grab the day, like they say in Latin.
The one big idea is loyalty. Really expensive. A valuable value. Loyalty to me. Not run-of-the-mill loyalty. It’s a two-way street. From the people to me. My kids to me. Really three-way street — everyone to my kids, too, when they’re being loyal to me.
Coastal elitists in ivory towers write history books. You know the type. Really ugly wives. Like fives. No woman wants them. No surprise. No money. These losers say you were disloyal to the crown king. That you thought the rule of law was better than what happiness the king wanted to pursue. Rule of law is one of those stupid things. Lawyers can’t be put in charge. They’re in it for the money. That’s all. Sad!
Have you heard my lawyers? I should fire them. They’re nice people, though. The law rule is gone now. I wouldn’t be winning so hard if the law was so great. I’m right. I hear cheering. They think I’m right.
I know you want big crowds. To be real popular. Who doesn’t? There are still polls to be taken. Fun to see yourself on TV. If they don’t lie about you. I’m a big producer and my advice is stop whining about “democracy.” It’s Latin for “what the people want.” That’s me. What they really want.
I’m making the country inalienable. Sending them all back to Mexico. I’m like a real president. Getting rich in the process, like you all did. Nothing wrong with that. That’s three good ideas you had. #3—inventing the dollar. Everything else is for losers. The Democrats are very envious.
Thank you for your support. God bless me and, for really the first time in history, let’s make America great again.
(Whereupon the Founding Fathers collectively rolled over in their graves and resumed their eternal slumber.)
David Gallagher is a Texan working in public relations in London. David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at TheContranym.com.
[This column originally appeared in the Waco Tribune-Herald on July 29, 2017.]