Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States…
Great to be back in New York with all of our friends and some great friends outside the building, I must tell you. We’re here today to talk about infrastructure. The kind of infrastructure that will make Heaven embarrassed that its streets of gold are not classy enough. No distractions today from infrastructure. You’re going to beg me not to make bridges so nice. Really.
Have you met Hope Hicks, my new press girl? Easy on the eyes, or what? You never saw a press girl like that with Obama, I can tell you that for sure. I was looking. Wasn’t there.
REPORTER: What makes you think you can get an infrastructure bill? You didn’t get health care, you didn’t get tax reform…
The people deserve it; frankly our country deserves it. We can’t just pave over the past. Like the way they treated General Robert E. Lee in Charlottesville. One of our great generals, the greatest really.
REPORTER: Pardon me, but how do you plan to bring the country together.
I’m going to reveal a great plan to do that, to the media, both real and fake media, by the way. You guys keep asking me about pardons. Nobody cares about pardons. It’s to distract from the Democrats losing bigley, the worst defeat in world history. Really. It was beautiful.
REPORTER: Mr. President—
Now I’m going to announce some pardons today. Look at General Kelly over there, head down, crossing his arms. What a great reputation he had. All gone. All gone.
If you didn’t see what I just tweeted on the bathroom break, it’s all there. Effective immediately. Officially, by me the president, who has the power to pardon. Pardoned for any so-called crimes they committed before I was elected, last night in New Jersey for example. Also for any crimes they may commit in the future, in Maryland, for example.
Next, all the confederate generals. They fought bravely for us. Trying to help American workers by not letting everyone in the wage pool. It’s a deep pool. It really is. All the statutes, or statues, or whatever, they’re all pardoned. Taking down our great metal idols, many of them put up by Senator Jim Crow or whoever. You saw it on the videos, confederate generals being decapitated in an egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence. It has no place in America.
REPORTER: Mr. President, are you supporting the white nationalists?
Excuse me. Take it nice and easy. A Nazi salute here and there and you all freak out. Welcome to America. We let everyone speak their mind here. It’s a great country.
REPORTER: What about the protestor who told the reporter “This city is run by Jewish communists and criminal nig—-s”?
Everybody kids around. I like to give Jared a hard time. He’s Jewish. Made my daughter one too. They don’t take it personally. Lighten up. Ben Carson. He’s the black in my cabinet. He’s okay with it. Really. But let’s focus. I came here to talk about pardons and I’m going to do it.
Don Junior. He’s a good kid. Dumber than a box of rocks. Pardoned for setting up meetings with Russian spies. Not his fault. Thought they were Russian mobsters. Nobody knew Russians could be so complicated. And pardoned for the perjury he’ll commit before the grand jury.
Back to Jared. Really a good kid. Smart. Handles money really well. He’s pardoned for trying to set up a secret channel to the Russians that couldn’t be detected by the American intelligence community. So he could launder money. Do you wonder why they call themselves the “intelligence community”? Dumbest people I’ve ever met. I’m bringing a lot of cleaning jobs back to America. I’ll leak the details about Jared’s so-called crimes to the failing New York Times, if Bannon doesn’t do it first.
Jeff Sessions and Ivanka. One of them is pardoned. I won’t say which due to nepotism rules, but it’s the really hot one. Pardoned for stealing emoluments and anything else the fake media accuses her of. Trump International Escorts, which by the way I have no hand in, no part of at all, charges extra for emoluments, so I don’t see why it’s a big deal. Sad. Really sad.
REPORTER: How much do you expect the infrastructure improvements to cost? $100 billion?
The pardons are given out freely. Sheriff Joe Arpaio isn’t paying me anything for his. All he had to do was disobey a judge and round up some people who looked like rapists from Mexico. The constitution calls it the balance of power. Judges interpret the law and I cut them out of it.
In cases where there are many sides, I will pardon those on the right side. The right has fine people, and I see them because I watch the videos, too. I will not pardon the wrong side. You can count on that. I can’t pay for the legal defense of everyone who marches with their arm in the air and a tiki torch, but I can pardon them. If you don’t want to march and instead make a little side money from infrastructure projects, there’s a pardon for that too. Call my foundation for details.
My final pardon is for Mike Pence. He survived that perversion therapy and is a great American now. Someday he’ll get the chance to pardon me too. Do unto others, like it says in two Corinthians.
David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, DC, and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym.