By Schleicher & Gallagher
(Deep State Newswire) — Below is a transcript obtained by the National Security Agency and leaked to the totally fake media of a secret meeting held far, far away in New Jersey…
[Muffled noises; chairs scraping on concrete; coughing]
Unknown woman: Shall we get started?
Group: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Anthony Scaramucci: What a load of horses–t.
Reince Priebus: Tony! We’ve discussed this. It’s important we turn over our recovery to a higher power. Now, please, let’s welcome our newest member, Steve.
Steve Bannon: Hi, I’m Steve. AND THERE IS NO HIGHER POWER THAN ME. I MADE THIS FREAKING PRESIDENCY POSSIBLE AND I CAN TAKE IT AWAY!
Group: Hello, Steve.
Woman: Um, yes. We’ll review the 12 steps later…OK, let’s get started. Jim, do you want to go first?
James Comey: My name is James Comey and I was fired by Donald Trump.
Group: Hello, James.
Michael Flynn: Hello, testing one, two, three. Testing. Can anyone hear me? Is it on?
Sally Yates: Point of order. I think we start with our name and then that we were fired by Trump.
[Sound of rustling shrubbery; man’s voice]: My name is Sean and I was fired by Donald Trump after his popular vote landslide and hugely attended inauguration, which photographs prove if you look at them with one eye closed.
Priebus: Sean, we’ve all been fired. We don’t have to lie anymore.
Scaramucci: My name is Anthony and I was fired by Donald Trump. It’s been three f—-ing days since I lied.
Group: (Applause) Hello, Anthony.
Yates: Guys, we’re here to move past our problems, not rehash them. And that was a lie, too, Tony.
Comey: According to my contemporaneous notes, there was no agreement not to rehash problems.
Bannon: To betray me after all I did to get him elected! Probably did it for 30 pieces of silver from Jared.
Priebus: Steve! That kind of anti-Semitic talk is wrong. Independents hate it and we have a mid-term in just over a year.
Chris Christie: Hey guys! I was just wandering around because some idiot closed the beach! And the traffic on the bridge is a killer. What’s going on here?
Yates: Point of order. Governor, this is for people who have been sacked for insufficient loyalty, thrown under the bus or otherwise scapegoated by the president.
Christie: How about being deep-fried and kicked to the curb by him? Does that qualify?
Group: Hello, Chris.
Scaramucci: But it wasn’t him! I still support the president 110 percent. It was the g-dd–n lame-stream media that got me fired.
Comey: Can you all promise me no one will get their book out before mine hits the stands?
Yates: Can you all promise me that none of the rest of you will run for Senate before I do?
Priebus: Books? I signed a non-disclosure agreement. [muffled sobbing sound]
Bannon: And if you read it, you’ll remember it authorizes me to garrote you for even disclosing it exists.
Priebus: Ummm…but now that you’re out, Mr. Bannon, you’re no longer bound by that? Right?
Christie: Bring it, Dimbart Man. You’ll have to get through me to beat up this poor little Priebus kid.
Comey: So many threats. You’d think this was the Gambino crime family.
Scaramucci: They were the best 10 days of my life [sobbing].
Flynn: Is it hot in here? My shirt is itchy.
[Door knocking; unidentified woman speaking]: May we help you?
[Multiple voices]: We’re the president’s manufacturing council. There’s another limousine behind us — I think it’s the council on culture and arts. And a few more behind that one, too. We’ve all quit.
Yates: Technically, this group is for those he sacked, not those who quit. We’re going to need a lot more chairs if we invite everyone who now feels disappointed, let down or appalled by him since the election.
Priebus: Yeah, several million more chairs, based on the latest polls.
Bannon: Why the hell are we all here? We have nothing in common.
Comey: Well, we all got fired by you-know-who. Sally and I were not loyal enough and threatened to do our jobs.
Sean Spicer: And me, Tony and Reince — am I saying your name right? — we got the axe because we couldn’t control the fake news. Or the leaks. Or the things tweeted at 3 a.m. from the White House men’s room.
Christie: I wonder if he always planned on tossing me overboard, or Jared just pulled him aside and—
Priebus: I went from leader of the Republicans to presidential floor mat and flyswatter. So don’t feel special.
Scaramucci: Wait! I think I hear another f—ing limousine parking outside this f—ing place.
Comey: I wonder who his next victim could be — seems like nobody is safe from his sociopathy.
Yates: Is that who I think it is?
Priebus: I think it might be — I would recognize that profile anywhere.
Bannon: I guess there really is no hiding from the past.
[Sound of door opening]
Group: Good evening, Mr. President!
Flynn: Come in base camp. Come in base camp. The package has arrived. Repeat, the package has arrived. Video drop was successful.
[End of transmission]
P.S. — A thank you to Greg Dauphin for suggesting we assemble this crew.
This originally appeared in the August 26, 2017 Waco Tribune-Herald. David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym.