Why We Write (a note to our critics)

By Gallagher and Schleicher

Two spiteful letters to the editor about us in a single day! We take this opportunity to defend ourselves [graciously saving our critics time and energy by pre-including their comments below in brackets].

We continue to be humbled and #blessed by the support of the Waco community [#asif] for our missives of wit[less] wisdom and wisecracks. The 20 people who drove by and flashed a peace sign especially touched our hearts. [It actually was 40 people, each giving a ½ peace sign.]

We appreciate the Waco Trib explaining its reasons for running the columns [the one about providing conservatives with a common enemy hit the nail on the head]. Many have asked, “What keeps you guys motivated to write?” [and “Will you ever shut up?”]

We want to assure our readers [all three of them?] that we shall keep our noses to the grindstone, our satire sharp as knives [more like a spork], and keep spreading the joy. [If it’s joy you’re spreading, why does it require a shovel to unload it?]

You probably assumed we are paid by the word [please say it’s not true] but we can confirm we are not offered a penny for the columns [Phew–makes us respect the newspaper more.] 

So how is it that two grown men, each with a happy family, full-time job, normal sleeping habits, and a very long to-do list, bother to spend time regularly sharing ideas between Waco and London on how to best write a Trump spoof du jour? [Please, dear Lord, don’t let their column run daily.]

First, as the paper’s editor explained earlier, it’s part of our therapy. We’ve been dismayed since the election by the forces it unleased and a path we fear ends in authoritarianism, chaos or both. [You’re just mad you lost, when the polls said you’d win.] 

We’ve lost elections before, but none left us feeling like as if the doctor had just told us our democracy has a terminal illness. [Snowflakes!] What Trump says and does, it’s not normal, and we refuse to treat it as such. [Snowflakes!] If it angers you read these words, it might be you who is a snowflake. [Ouch.]

Humor can be a rusty and dull instrument [emphasis on the dull], but we find it to be the best way to manage pain that others say they share. And if we didn’t use humor, we are certain you would not have read this far. [Cripes, have I wasted another morning reading another piece full of their tripe?!?]

We don’t assume we will change everyone’s mind. [You got that right.] But you may laugh once in a while [don’t hold your breath], and from laughing, think, and from thinking, reconsider a previously-held view.

There are more of us, even in Waco, than you might imagine. Progressive blue castaways in what seems a sea of red opinion. At least until more turn out to vote. [Like the 3 million who illegally voted against Trump?!?] Castaways who watch Stephen Colbert with curtains drawn, or hope the neighbors didn’t see last week’s New Yorker on the coffee table. For them our posts are a nod, a textual acknowledgment that they are not alone in a Texas that seems less friendly than ever.

Most Americans are not happy with the President’s twitter fever [he tweets the truth!] and Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde speeches for and against extremism. [Can’t go a whole column without a condescending literary allusion, can you?] We hope to make the day more bearable for those who fear to look at news updates on Facebook.

A few of you are kind enough to tell us we do and to urge us to keep writing. [Really? #fakenews!] If we irk others along the way, so be it. [At least you’ve succeeded at one thing.]

So strap in, buttercups, there’s more where this came from. [Our new puppy is so grateful to hear she’ll be seeing more of your columns. At least until she’s housetrained.] Ouch.

David Gallagher (@TBoneGallagher) is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England. David Schleicher (@TheContranym) is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C., and Houston.


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