Dog Confesses to Political Crimes

By Gallagher & Schleicher

Je suis le chien. I am the world-famous French First Canine named Nemo. As the senior advisor to the Republic’s president Emmanuel Macron, I am under constant attack by the Mangestream Media. The latest fake news scandal is over my urinating on a fireplace at the Elysée Palace. Haters label it #peelyséegate. Fans declare #blacklabradorgriffonlivesmatter.

Yes, I’m coupable of the “crime.” But what Le Canin, DOGTV, and other leghumper news sources don’t want you to know is that I did it to strike a blow against income inequality. It was a political statement of the highest art. What better way to speak up for les misérables than to relieve myself publicly in a castle–the very symbol of unearned wealth. U.S. President Trump’s former dog Chappy was no doubt thinking along these lines when taking to the carpet in an expensive Moscow Hilton hotel room.

It’s not all about me. Putin’s dog/aide-de-camp Konni put Chancellor Merkel in her place in the face of heavy-handed German influence over the European Union. Meanwhile, Yume, an Akita also on Putin’s staff, kept Japanese reporters at bay with a barkfest. Not since Checkers advised President Nixon to resign have pooches played such a key role in world politics. It is no coincidence that Hillary Clinton’s senior advisor (apparently a shih-poo) was named “Tally” years before 2016 electoral vote counting put Democrats so deeply into the doghouse.

Leaders who instead rely on felines to guide their nations pay a high price. Theresa May frequently confesses to friends regret over chasing the laser on Larry the Cat’s Brexit advice. Kittens are incapable of knowing their place–they inevitably insist on being in front of the camera rather than the power behind the throne. Consider Tuxedo Stan, who ran for Mayor of Halifax, Nova Scotia, and–need I say–lost in a landslide of litterbox proportions. Barsik, who ran for Mayor of Barnual and now seeks to become Russian president in 2018 no doubt will find himself soon falling out of the window of a very tall building.

Cats are without exception capricious, tongue-grabbing, lap monsters. They nonetheless are more worthy of praise than those who attempt to insult their political enemies by calling them dogs. Consider Senator Rand Paul’s earlier description of Senator John McCain as President Obama’s lapdog. It’s well known in the canine world that Senator Paul’s bitterness originates from the time a hairstylist mistook him for a poodle in search of a perm. It’s likewise no secret that Mitt Romney lost the 2012 presidential race due to his Gitmo-like treatment of his dog Seamus. The social media shock and awe undertaken by @BoObamasDog ruled the day.

And one other word of advice. Those “dog whistle” comments you make to slide in racist or sexist views in ways that you think nobody else hears? WE ALL HEAR THEM. EVEN THE HUMANS. We know what you mean with references to “states rights” and “Barack Hussein Obama” so please, spare us the subterfuge. We are dogs, but we are not stupid.

In these troubled times, we can only hope for the sake of our grandpuppies and your grandchildren that at some point the world will have gone to the dogs. Whether it’s to “Make America Gnaw Again” or Brexit’s “Vote Leave, Declaw the Union,” politics remains a dog-eat-dog world in which every bitch will have her say.

The next time you suspect your dog had an “unfortunate accident,” consider that instead she may be commenting on the day’s events, mirroring those expletives you increasingly shout during the evening news.

David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym. 

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