Six Stranger Things About Trump Supporters

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By Gallagher & Schleicher

Falling poll numbers, indictments of former campaign officials and bickering with senior statesmen from his own party reflect the harsh new political realities for President Donald Trump: formerly reliable support is slippery, his base is not monolithic, and there’s no such thing as a “typical” supporter. Political scientists at Deep State University helpfully now have classified Trump backers into six levels of commitment, based on proprietary data from Cambridge Analytica.

“We were surprised to see such a wide range of opinions about the president from those who voted for him,” said study director Malcom X. Honour.  “Only one in three Americans admit any degree of support for him, but even within this slice of the electorate, there’s no consistent view on his performance or future viability.” The study took into account hacked photos of actual ballots, social media posts, and conversations discreetly recorded by Google Home, Amazon Echo, and Apple HomePod devices.

The six categories, ranging from those expressing strongest support to weakest, and their percentage of the whole, are these:

  1. Komprobots—10%. They are: not human at all; instead, fake social media accounts, phantom profiles, and computer-generated bots. Found: server farms near St. Petersburg, Russia. Typical post: “STOOPID LIBRUL. What about Benghazi??? LOLZ.” Dependability: #alwaystrump.
  2. Very Fine People—10%. They are: alt-right college freshmen, Alex Jonesers, and tiki-torch-fondlers. When not politicalizing, spend time wondering why females don’t find them appealing. Found: in the shadow of Confederate statues; anywhere women wouldn’t bother gathering. Typical post:Thank you President Trump for your honesty & courage to tell the truth about #Charlottesville & condemn leftist terrorists in BLM/Antifa.” Dependability: steady; some previously supported Bernie until realizing he was Jewish.
  3. Deplorables—13%. They are: mostly working-class white men; typically include American flag in social media profiles in lieu of actually having served in the military; sometimes confuse Fox News with dialysis. Found in or near: rural areas, red-state suburbs. Typical post: “Love you POTUS! Can’t wait for you to start draining the swamp. (Soon?!?)” Dependability: permanent.
  4. No Choicers—30%. They are: mostly college-educated, white men. Found: blue-state suburbs; if married to a Democrat, secretly streaming Rush Limbaugh under guise of “watching the game.” Typical post: “You Dems offer no solutions, only hatred of Trump. I voted for him only because the other candidate killed Vince Foster, used a private email account, and wasn’t a truth-teller.” Dependability: shaky—earlier thought Hillary was doing good job when Secretary of State.
  5. Fiscal Conservatives—30%. They are: against anything that increases the federal deficit, except for tax cuts for the 1%ers. Sick of those who expect something for nothing (unless inheriting it). Found in or near: golf courses, ski resorts. Typical post: “Sheesh, can talk about something other than politics?” Dependability: shaky—if GOP can’t pass tax cuts, won’t bother voting in 2018.
  6. RINOs—7%. They are: U.S. Senators eyeing retirement or terminal illness, former conservative pundits (think George Will, Jennifer Rubin, William Kristol), and other adults who oppose nuclear war and groan over each new presidential tweet. Found: Arizona, Tennessee, staring in mirror while wondering if they ever might actually vote for a Democrat. Typical post, “WTF, Donald?” Also spotted attempted to figure out how to fit into a tweet their perception that, “Reckless, outrageous and undignified behavior has become excused and countenanced as ‘telling it like it is,’ when it is actually just reckless, outrageous and undignified. And when such behavior emanates from the top of our government, it is something else. It is dangerous to a democracy.” Dependability: #neveragain.

The researchers noted two other possible segments of Trump supporters, in early stages of development. These are those secretly hoping for a Bernie Sanders Redux in 2020, and the “Never Me” – those who now claim they were ill or on vacation during the 2016 election cycle and never actually voted. There is too little data at present to guess the trajectory of these groups, Dr. Honour noted.

“Overall, these findings can be taken in two ways,” explained Dr. Honour. “Fans will take heart one-third of his base cannot be dissuaded, while critics see ripe target in the two-thirds having second thoughts. This will make for an interesting run-up to the mid-term election next year.”

The always-clever White House press room responded to the study’s results with a statement consisting solely of lyrics from the Evita musical: “How annoying that they have to fight elections for their cause. The inconvenience, having to get a majority. If normal methods of persuasion fail to win them applause. There are other ways of establishing authority.”

David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym


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