“Grab them by the petticoat”–secret Benedict Arnold letter unearthed

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By Gallagher & Schleicher

(LONDON) Royal British Imperial Archives researchers announced today the discovery of a never-seen-before letter from American revolutionary war figure Benedict Arnold to King George III. “A truly extraordinary find,” according to chief archivist Dr. Archibald Mueller.

“Rare correspondence like this shines a light on a time long ago, so very different from our own,” he told journalists. “It’s tempting to find parallels to today, but pish-posh, history is incapable of repeating itself.” We reprint the letter in its entirety. Errors as in original…

My Dearest and Most Royal Highness, King George III, King of England, Ruler of the Empire and Defender of the Faith:

     The gifts you sent are AMAZING. What a highly respected and powerful representative of your people you are!

     I hear the Times of London has the colonists calling me a traitor. FAKE NEWS!  That failing paper will be lucky to last out the decade. Why aren’t they investigating Betsy Ross?? Sad!

     To think it all started with that great dinner at Rules Restaurant, those strumpets sent to my hotel room, and you forgiving me for ruining that CLASSY rug from India. Add to that some colonial swamp rats who underappreciated my military victories (Saratoga!) and BAM, we became BEST FRIENDS. I will never forget it! Wait till I get back to London—I do my best bootlicking in person and always overseas.

     Playing for the away team hasn’t been easy, especially with these bone spurs in my heels flaring up again. I get that it’s just business. I don’t take patriotism personally. Sometimes you have to negotiate away your country (or your sole!) to get what you want. Some bad hombres call it “treason”—I call it WINNING.What a deal you gave me—loans arranged when those mainstream banks wouldn’t touch me with a 10-foot pole. Invested in Philadelphia real estate. Washed that money clean. ASAP!

     BTW, that ding-bat son of mine, Benedict Jr., screwed the pooch in how he described that secret meeting in Leesburg. I even wrote the press release for him and he still couldn’t get it write. Wonder if he’s really mine (very unhandsome).

     People are saying the Tories and Whigs are still arguing about everything in Westminster.  Why can’t they stop worrying about “the people” and start milking parliamentary benefits for personal gain and sexual opportunity, like NORMAL guys?  You know who doesn’t have to worry about “democracy”? Empress Catherine II in Russia.  A 7 who rules like a 10!

     You asked about the LADIES! in Virginia. Like I was telling a good friend when I thought his quill was dry, if you’re famous in the New World, you can move on women like a dog in heat.  You can grab them by the petticoat, whatever.  Amazing.

     And you’re a prince – no wait, a KING – for asking about my so-called legal troubles.  So many indictments coming. Too many to settle like my Arnold University suits. More FAKE NEWS.  Once we I win this war, I’ll do away with the “independent” judiciary. Who needs judges with those white wigs that makes their hair look so unnatural. Can’t be accused of obstructing justice without justices. What they are really doing under those puffy black robes, anyway? Sick!

     Ignore the Colonial News Network—war’s going great. The best. Don’t worry about the FROGS helping the colonists. Very weak! Should have a wall up before long to keep out those LOSERS. Can’t even speak English much at all. PS I got a secret plan to outwit my fellow American generals. Cornwallis will owe me. Bigley!

     My beautiful wife, who glares at me like a captive, broken creature, sends her love and regards.  So does my daughter – the hot one.  You can date her once my son-in-law goes to prison, could be any day now.  I actually barely know him. I’ll trade in for a new wife before I next see you.

     Let’s Make the Colonies Grovel Again! Your most loyalist and greatest servant, ever, in the entire history of the world,

Gen. Benedict Arnold, Colonial Army (for now!)  

P.S.: Did you get the hat and bottle of Covfefe I sent? Hope it makes up for any hurt feelings.

David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym.

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