By Gallagher & Schleicher
RE: OPERATION STUFFING
I, FBI Special Agent [REDACTED], declare under penalty of perjury of the laws of the United States of America that the following is a true and correct transcript from electronic monitoring authorized under FISA warrant No. [REDACTED], per 50 U.S.C. § 1801 et seq. Last names have been redacted to protect the privacy of persons not scheduled for indictment until next month.
[BEGIN RECORDING—12:01 p.m. ET, 11/23/2017—1100 S. Ocean Blvd, Palm Beach, FL 33480]
Melania: Donald, you promised! No tweeting at the table. It’s Thanksgiving, after all.
Donald: I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters. But if tweets don’t flow from my fingers like a bad case of dysentery, I’ll lose my base. Sad!
Ivanka: There’s a special place in hell for people who tweet lies at 3 a.m. But, as to you, Dad, keep them coming. Don’t let #3 push you around.
Mike: If you folks at this table can’t even hang out together, we’ll all hang together. How about we go around the table and each say why we are grateful to be a part of Donald’s inner-circle.
Jared: If you’ll pardon me, I’d like to go first, so long as I can reserve the right to revise and extend my remarks as more emails are uncovered.
Melania: No, I’ll start. I am so grateful for a handsome husband who is not insecure, who can’t be tricked into things by foreign leaders and spouses who flatter him, who has the largest hands of any man ever, and who has promised to pardon me for any laws broken in getting me the citizenship.
Donald: Is that all?
Melania: And for…for…
Jeff: Melania, just say you don’t recall and move on.
Melania: And for letting me spend so much time on my anti-bullying initiative.
Donald: Just don’t screw it up, baby. Or your best friend will become your worst enemy.
Don Jr.: I’m grateful for tax cuts that will save this family a billion dollars and for Dad’s followers who will be grateful if we trickle even just a few cents of it down on them. Am I reading that correctly, Dad?
Donald: Hey, that part of the dossier is 110% false. Believe me. I was at the Marriott Tverskaya, not the Hilton.
Eric: I’m grateful for a Dad who told me to let Jr. take the fall. That is, the meeting. Take the meeting.
Jeff: Well, I’m just as happy as a pig in manure to be here at all. Now, there are a number of general items warranting gratitude, but as to their specific nature, I do not recall.
Jared: Thank God for that. Ok, my turn…I’m grateful for new friends in Saudi Arabia and burner phones. And Ivanka choosing to marry me and not her…I mean…I’m grateful most of all for her father.
Don, Jr.: I’m grateful for that one day Daddy allowed us to import elephant parts again. There’s nothing that makes me feel manlier than docking an animal twice as bright as me.
Donald: George! Pour me another cup of covfefe! I guess I am grateful for getting to serve in my administration. For winning the election by a wider electoral margin than anyone who-
George: Who lost the popular vote count by three million…
Melania: Silence, coffee boy! Don’t start with us!
Hope: Coffee down here, please.
Donald: #4, is that you?
Ivanka: By the way, #3, what is that you are wearing?
Melania: The name is Melania. And outfit is from the Miles Standish collection.
Donald: I call it her Sexy Pilgrim costume. Very patriotic! Anyway, I’m grateful for that guy in Alabama Ray Moore. Makes the rest of us look good. And for being the best president. Believe me.
Melania: Donald! Donald! There’s a piece of metal in my slice of turkey!
Don Jr.: It’s a wire! The turkey’s getting his revenge for not getting pardoned, by spying on us!
Donald: It was nothing personal. Thought I could only pardon family members? Jeffy?
Jeff: This bird was a member of MS-13. Only all white-meat gobblers remain eligible for pardons.
Eric: Mmmm…these devilled eggs are indictful…I mean delightful.
Ivanka: Eric! You’re making me blue. Let’s discuss our plans for Christmas.
Don Jr.: I’m proposing we meet in Andorra, Brunei, the Maldives, or São Tomé & Príncipe.
Eric: Good beaches, mobsters with money to invest in condos, or?
Jeff: Even better—none have extradition treaties with the homeland.
Donald: Do I get to keep Air Force One?
Ivanka: Oooh, a free airplane. It will be a Merry Christmas to us all!
[End of transcript]
David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym.