[Originally appearing in Waco Tribune-Herald on 12/17/2017]
By Gallagher & Schleicher
In spite of our last piece garnering grinchish responses like “pure garbage, same as the people who wright [sic] this trash,” we were in a holiday mood, perhaps even the Christmas spirit. Over a festive lunch at the Baylor Club, we pondered: Is there a gift that could make both Sleuthin’ Bobby Mueller and Tweetin’ Donny Trump happy? That would put a wrap on the national haunting by the Ghost of Election Past?
As the charred tomato soup and three-cheese grilled cheese sandwiches arrived, an idea appeared like a blessed birth on a night chock full of singing angels. We’d prepare a draft guilty plea for the president, one so reasonable it would leave Ty Cobb braying like Dominick the Donkey. So legally sound the Supreme Court would sing its praises like the Whoville Choir in a round of ya hoo doray.
Being liberal snowflakes, we knew we’d need the input of Deckthehallplorables to make sure our dreams of peace on earth align with theirs (of an Alt.White Christmas). We want to engender goodwill toward men, #womentoo, after all.
So, readers, let us know what you think of this: Trump pleads guilty to the charge of his choice below and agrees to exile at his golf club in Dubai starting on December 25, with a pardon to follow on condition he never again appear in a news story.
False Statements (18 U.S.C. §1001)–To wit, repeatedly claiming he would “Make America Great Again” and would “preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.” Not to mention a promise to restore the coal industry that proved nothing more than a scheme to earn an extra lump in his stocking for having grabbed an elf by the figgy pudding.
Endangered Species (16 U.S.C. § 1538)–Transporting across state lines in a joyful and triumphant manner a species protected by law, to wit, wearing in lieu of a toupée a Glaucomys sabrinus coloratus (California northern flying squirrel).
Kidnapping (18 U.S.C. § 1201)–Willfully and unlawfully inveigling and abducting the Christian religion and “Merry Christmas” for cut-rate earthly political gain.
Poison (18 U.S.C. § 921)–Releasing from his mouth a fog that causes American Nazis and those who protest against them to appear morally equivalent, holiday dinners to verge on a reenactment of the U.S. Civil War, our allies to shake their heads in disbelief, and our enemies to dance joyfully like Hugh Grant in “Love Actually.”
Arson (18 U.S.C. § 81)–Roasting American institutions like chestnuts over an open fire, to wit, gratuitously destroying the reputation of journalists, federal law enforcement, U.S. intelligence agencies, the anti-pedophile movement, Congress and the judiciary, simply to eliminate the competition.
Treason (18 U.S.C. § 2381)–That minor thing about swapping a White House “Russia First” policy for some unsecured real estate loans and a promise not to upload to YouTube a video from days of yore (of a rainy night at the Moscow Hilton).
Tax Fraud (26 U.S. Code § 7201):–Conspiracy to use a tax-reform bill to make it a less wonderful life, briefly leading those needing to deduct medical expenses to wish they’d never been born.
See? Nothing like bourbon raisin bread pudding and a Negroni or two to crystalize one’s thinking! Can’t wait for the Letters to the Editor praising our proposal as the best idea since fruitcake. If this doesn’t make you join Tiny Tim in shouting, “God bless us, every one!”, we’ve only one idea left…a gift exchange…no more tweets for a misdemeanor.