by Gallagher & Schleicher
Nostra culpa. We’ve given sparse support to the Trump administration since Donald captured the White House. His policies: incoherent. His character: fundamentally flawed. His leadership: divisive and corrosive. His appointees: corrupt and inept. Each tweet brings us a chirp closer to complete and utter catastrophe. It’s like a real-life episode of “24,” a race against the clock between nuclear war, economic meltdown and criminal indictments.
But we are professionals. With decades of marketing and media, legal and public policy experience between us, we are honor-bound to render aid when needed. And it’s clearly, painfully needed. So we developed a plan with YUGE potential, offered in the spirit of public service, for a low fee we’ll negotiate later with Trump attorney Michael Cohen. (Something in the $130k range, with a $50k surcharge if the FBI raids our offices.)
Mr. President, rest assured: Our “Road to Redemption Plan” below will be followed up by simplified diagrams, in color, with 3-D glasses.
First, Make America Laugh Again. Sure, disparaging disabled people worked during the campaign, but we have a wider demographic sample to reach now that you’re in office. Look at the success of the Roseanne reboot; she makes it seem normal to support a presidency built on fear and conspiracy theories. How? By making people smile.
Yes, the base deplores Hollywood celebrities speaking out on political issues. Except when they’re your celebrities. We’ve inventoried all other A-listers in your camp. Here they are: (1) Scott Baio (2) James Woods and (3) the guy who draws the Dilbert cartoon. America is practically begging for an animated sequel to “Charles In Charge,” with Woods and Baio hilariously battling the town to take custody of three adorable Dreamer kids they want to forcibly deport.
Second, change the optics of this Stormy Daniels saga. It’s not good, even if it makes for great locker-room talk at Mar-a-Lago. We’re guessing she’s got what the NDA calls “still images.” Damning ones at that (assuming print quality doesn’t fail when the photos are enlarged). Her lawyer is running circles around yours, more women are filing suits and there’s really no way out…unless…you dump Mike Pence and name Stormy as your vice president. Voila! Just sign the NDA this time.
Granted, some may worry that ditching Pence will reduce support from the Franklin Grahams of the world. But if he can stomach a porn star as a paid-off mistress, why not as vice president? Imagine the ratings when she attends foreign state funerals. Va va voom! Her “60 Minutes” interview proved she can out-talk and out-think any PR flak you’ve ever had on your team — even you and The Mooch.
Third, we have to do something about the young people. They really, really don’t like you, and by 2020 another 4 million teenagers will be eligible to vote. Legally. Sorry, Comrade, but they don’t use Facebook. In simpler times we would have recommended an appearance on Kimmel or a YouTube video of you goofing around on the basketball court, popping threes. But, well, no. They really are laughing at you, not with you.
Fourth, turn the tables on the rampant corruption in your cabinet and immediate family. No, don’t be ridic — not by shutting off the spigot! No, we’re advising that million-dollar shopping trips, sound-proof sanctums and European vacations at taxpayer expense only look bad…until…you make them look good!
We’ve lined up the Sinclair Broadcast Group team to produce a new reality show: “Pimp My Cabinet, Please!” Sean Hannity will follow members of your team and their spouses around the globe, fawning over their jewelry, private jet décor and renaissance art collections — all with an obsequious zeal that will make everyone beg to be on your BFF crew. Corruption is only a crime if people don’t see it as a personal goal.
Finally, Bob Mueller. That dude is tough, disciplined and surrounded by a team of hound-dog investigators who can track your sweat all the way to the Moscow Hilton. Members of your family may be indicted. You could face impeachment. Sad!
Firing him? Impractical. Diversionary war in North Korea or Iran? Intriguing but could gravely cut into your time for golf rounds. Your sole option? Speak to him, under oath, and…wait for it…on live television! The perfect cliff-hanger for a dramatic transition in your presidency. You and him, manito a mano, as they say down by the future wall.
Winning again will be so, so sweet. (Or at minimum, pay-per-view fees can fund a comfortable exile to the Seychelles.)