by Gallagher & Schleicher
His YOLO summit with Kim Jong Un is not the only thing President Trump is cancelling. A senior White House source, who may or may not exist, leaked this letter about the mid-term elections, constitutional amendments and other distractions from the business of Oval Office.
Most Excellent Americans
Living in Trump’s USA
We greatly appreciate your time, patience, and effort with respect to our recent negotiations and discussions relative to an Election long sought by both political parties, which was scheduled to take place on November 6 all across this amazing country. We were informed that the election was initiated by the Loser Democrats, but that to us is totally Irrelevant. I was very much looking forward to Tweeting about them with you.
Sadly, based on the tremendous anger and open hostility displayed in their recent campaigning, columns, letters to the editors, and hand gestures, I feel it is appropriate, at this time, to postpone this long-planned election. Therefore, please let this letter serve to represent that the mid-term elections, for the good of my Immediate Family, Donors and many nervous members of the republican party, will not take place.
There is a talk about a “blue wave,” but our Red Waves are so massive and Powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used again. A wave so huge it starts in St. Petersburg and travels all the way to Michigan, overwhelming the popular vote wherever it goes. I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between Me and you, the voters, one in which I tweet on my way the Golf Course, and wait for Fox & Friends to come on. This will continue, but without your ballots.
Someday, I look very much forward to holding an election, one with posters and balloons. And Donuts. Maybe in 2020 and without a lot of other people on the ballot. Of course, if you want to apologize for the things you’ve said about me or mike pence, we can try again.
Also, because I don’t like to write letters so much, I am hereby and will tomorrow officially cancel a few other things that are annoying me. One is the so-called Mueller investigation. I do not believe in Witches, and many people are saying they do not exist at all, so why is he spending so much time with a WITCH HUNT? And even if I was colluding with Witches, is that actually a crime? Cancelled.
I am also cancelling the first amendment, which I’m telling you is very distracting. It is the worst amendment EVER and upsetting to many fine people. History is full of examples of so-called free speech getting out of hand, like the Boston Tea Party, or that Rosa Parks lady. Kneeling at football games, tweeting mean memes about my hand size or raising awkward questions about enormous sums of Money flowing into my personal attorney’s Bank Account – all cancelled with immediate effect.
As a reminder, I have already cancelled a few other things that cause headaches and/or heartburn for me: decency, integrity and Punctuation. The reasons for this should be self-evident. Likewise, we can and will say bye bye to facts, ethics, and independent journalism. The same goes for science, legal norms and common sense. These are distractions from our urgent and important national interests, which happen to coincide with my personal enrichment, and those willing to play ball. It’s going to be beautiful, believe Me.
Got to go—late to a dinner with Melanie! Wait—what?!? She’s cancelled me again!
Donald J. Trump
U.S. President (2016-?)
David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, Washington, D.C., and Houston.