by Gallagher & Schleicher
Whether at Waco’s weekly Enneagram gathering or across the pond at the London Enneagram Centre, this personality test to end all personality tests is as popular as royal engagements. Many humans have developed an insatiable hunger to know if they are a Reformer, Lover, Achiever, Creative Individualist, Thinker, Security Seeker, Adventurer, Leader, Peacemaker or some perverse combination thereof. OK, we’ll confess a few here and there are not so infatuated.
Take for example the very fine people at a blog with the words “liberty” and “patriots” in the name. They claim Enneagrams are “A SATANIC OCCULT SPIRITUAL TOOL WITHIN THE CHURCH” (capitalization per original). While “enneagrams” does suspiciously rhyme with “pentagrams,” we suspect the blog goes too far in asserting the inventors (whose names we can neither spell nor pronounce) were very active in “channeling, yoga, drugs, devil worship and a study of the pantheist/panentheist and reincarnation conceptions of Middle Eastern religions.” (Hmmm…we were under the impression that at least three of the world’s major religions were “Middle Eastern” in origin.)
Setting aside the question of whether the Devil is a “Reformer” or “Adventurer,” all this thinking about ourselves (and thinking about thinking about ourselves, not to mention thinking about thinking about thinking about ourselves) led us to the next stage in Enneagram Self-Analysis Syndrome. Our newest type-testing is reserved for those not content to be 1s or 5s or 9s. This is only for 10s and higher. You know who you are. You probably think this test is about you, don’t you, don’t you?
Ladies and gents, behold, the Narcissiagram. Answer “true” to statements you agree with and award yourself two points for each “true”:
1. A 9/11 memorial service is a great place to give a thumbs-up and fist pump to the photogs.
2. Being famous enables you to take liberties with women, including kissing them, grabbing them by their poodles, anything you want really.
3. Loyalty is a one-way street and yours is the house at the end of the block.
4. Why own a gun when you can own the FBI?
5. Your first tweet after someone’s death must describe the deceased’s subordinate relationship to you.
6. Sex with a porn star is worth $130,000 to say it didn’t happen.
7. Southerners are dumb and talk like they have a mouth full of marbles, but some of them are probably very fine people, not to mention your most loyal voters.
8. Family fundamentally means being really proud of how good-looking you think the world thinks your daughter is.
9. Pride goes before a fall. A windfall that is. As in epidemic emolument entitlement ecstasy. (For readers who may be confused, emoluments are lotions for a toadstool-like skin condition down under, and of course you and your family are entitled to grift as much cash as possible in your capacity as head of state.)
10. You oppose stationing U.S. troops overseas unless at a military base bearing your name.
Scoring: 10 or less — Low Energy Loser!; 11-15 — Sleepy and Sad!; 16-19 — Clouds in My Coffee Egoist; 20 or higher — Congrats, you’re a presidential-grade screwball!
The Enneagram Institute views its personality test as helping you see yourself at a “deeper, more objective level” — “invaluable assistance on [your] path to self-knowledge.” We trust that with our Narcissiagram test, you will feel even freer to spend the entire day before the mental mirror. After all, whether shooting someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue or tweeting at 3 a.m. about perceived slights, it really is all about you.
David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who blogs at ContranymTimes.com. This column originally ran in the Waco Tribune-Herald on Sunday, September 23, 2018, where the Davids are on the Board of Contributors.