by Gallagher & Schleicher
We aren’t among those who assume our president and first lady are such snowflakes that they can’t take the sort of good-natured ribbing to which our Republican friends subjected earlier presidents and first ladies (i.e., Obamas, Clintons). We thus politely decline the suggestion (tied to a brick that came through the front window) to “LEAVE THE TRUMPS ALONE.”
Instead, in l’esprit d’égalité (as presidential frenemy Macron might say), we offer this #fakenews assemblage of reasons the first lady and first gentleman are thankful this season…
First, for Michelle Obama’s new book, “Becoming,” just as I began writing mine, “Turning Into.”
Second, that Donald reads and obeys my tweets, even when we haven’t spoken in weeks.
Third, that he finally has stopped asking Santa for the Stormy Daniels action figure barbie doll.
Fourth, for Eva Perón, so I won’t be the first first lady planning to be vice president.
Fifth, for fashion designers who ensure Donald is not the only Trump making headlines — whether turning heads with my neo-colonialist look for the Africa trip or the “I don’t care” jacket for my visit to children suffering on the border.
Sixth, for Donald supporting my platform of eliminating 99 percent of the bullies on the Internet.
Seventh, that a certain caravan of economic migrants from Slovenia hoping to become American models was not stopped at the border.
Eighth, for the early Christmas gift from Bobby Mueller of the Kindle version of “Guide to Emergency Retirement in Paraguay.”
Ninth, for the beautiful, time-honored gift of anchor babies and their loving chain-migration grandparents.
Tenth, for prophetic lawyers that insert anti-infidelity provisions into pre-nuptial agreements.
First, that the 2018 election was merely a blue wave and not a sapphire tsunami.
Second, that no American president has ever been successfully removed from office by Congress. What’s more, that removal via the 25th Amendment may even be more difficult than impeachment. Happy!
Third, that only 11 famous conservative columnists and seven prominent conservative legal scholars publicly label me a fundamental threat to democracy.
Fourth, as Commander-in-Chief, that I’m exempt from having to attend long ceremonies at home and abroad honoring the fallen, yet I and my well-healed bone spurs still get saluted.
Fifth, for disposable umbrellas and attorneys general, not to mention recyclable former mayors of New York who like secret vacations to Russia and sound so farcical on TV they make me look lucid.
Sixth, for that collage of embarrassing photos forwarded by Vladimir that persuaded Lindsey Graham to become my lap dog. Fun to make him jump!
Seventh, for that petite young intern who tried to smack the mic from the horrible Jim Acosta. Wonder if she’d like a private tour of the presidential suite? Did I mention how much I respect women?
Eighth, for Sarah Huckabee Sanders. That woman will say literally anything. Sometimes even I am shocked by what comes out of her mouth. Thrilling!
Ninth, for the very fine people I have inspired with so much winning. I hear they’re shouting “Hi Trump” when I’m not even around. #BarabooProud!
Tenth, for me. A lot of people are saying I’m the best president this country has had. Since King Arthur or even Gandhi. Folks, they’re not wrong. You’re welcome! Trump Bless America, and from my family of hotels and resorts to yours, Happy Thanksgiving!
David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, while tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney, often in Waco, who blogs at http://www.ContranymTimes.com. This piece originally appeared in the November 21, 2018 Waco-Tribune Herald, where the Davids are on the Board of Contributors.