SECRET IVANKA EMAILS ARE HERE!

By Gallagher & Schleicher

A shocking reveal of Ivanka’s secret emails, sent via her private account but including White House matters?!? We need your help in deciding whether the communications that follow are #fakenews, #felonious, or merely a product of our #flagitious minds:

Aug. 10, 2006, to Donald, re: MAGICAL CHAIR—“Daddy! I got to sit in Putin’s chair today! He said no charge! Something about him wanting your chair someday! Such a cute little man!”

Nov. 8, 2016, [8:30 a.m.], to Jared, re: Electrical [sic] College—“Kushee—don’t worry yr pretty little head. Dad will lose tonight and we can get back to our real lives. Even the Russians couldn’t win this one!”

Nov. 8, 2016, [8:30 p.m.], to Jared, re: WE WON—“Well sh–!”

Nov. 9, 2016, to [attorney] Jamie Gorelick, re: Investments—“By blind trust, do you mean the voters ought to assume I won’t use my White House position to get $$$$?”

Feb. 10, 2017, to Kellyanne Conway, re: your [sic] the bestest!!—”Just saw the latest promo you did for my clothing line on Fox & Friends!! Probably illegal/unethical, but who cares!! Haha. Who needs Nordstrom anyway? But seriously could you not actually wear clothes from my line? No offense but we are going for a slightly less frightening demographic. Love ya!”

Feb. 15, 2017, to Melania, re: Swoon—”Justin Trudeau – mais oui! Now THAT’s a premier I could be First Lady to—seven days a week and twice on Sunday!!”

June 2, 2017, to Jared, re: STATE SECRETS—“Don’t be STUPID, Jared! If you ever forward CIA briefings to me again via text message, misspell ‘CIA’ as ‘CAT’—they’re ALWAYS listening—and encrypt using emoticons.”

Dec. 23, 2017, to Donald, re: Santa List—“Diamonds, Daddy, always diamonds. Thanks for asking!”

May 8, 2018, to Donald, re: BOOK REVIEW—“Daddy have you seen the review of my book, Women Who Work, in today’s Washington Post?? He implies I am not an entirely self-made woman and the book is less than honest and I WANT TO SCREAM!! I WANT HIS HEAD. Can you arrange something with our Saudi friends. Also I need my allowance early this week. Thanks everso. xx”

June 17, 2018, to Don Jr., re: TREASON—“Donnie—no need to worry—just a misdemeanor. Like a speeding ticket. That’s what RudyG. says.”

July 5, 2018, to Sarah Sanders, re: Emoluments—“Sarah, great show today. You sounded totally plausible. No, really. BTW what’s an emolument? Might help with those circles under your eyes. JK! No really—you look great!!”

Sep. 8, 2018, to Melania, re: Beto—“I know, right? I don’t care what he calls himself – I totally would!”

Oct. 1, 2018, to Jared, re: Prince Charming—“MbS said I can call him ‘Binny’! He is so sweet. Glad we invested with him. A true friend of the people!”

Nov. 6, 2018, to Stephen Miller, re: China patents for voting machines–Happy now, Mr Miller? The patents came through for the voting machines under my now defunct company, and I really do NOT want to know how you’re going to use them. I hope this wipes the slate clean between us for getting rid of Hope Hicks. For the record I did NOT see her as ‘competition’ but she WAS a distraction to Daddy. Also please quit going through my laundry. It’s creepy.”

Nov. 12, 2018, to Donald, re: Fixer Upper—“Daddy–Chip and Joanna Gaines are getting their own tv network! Why don’t we start TrumpTV—people really want to hear your insights. Maybe tips on running businesses and maintain healthy relationships? Stuff like that.”

Nov. 28, 2018, to Gen Mattis, re: lethal force—”Helloooo? Is there a light on in that wrinkly old skull of yours? Why didn’t you let me know Daddy authorized lethal force on those border kids?? I looked like an idiot on GMA, denying it. I could have spun it as ‘leetle force’ – you know, making fun of their accents. One more screw up and I’m going to Miller.”

Dec. 7, 2018, to Robert Mueller, re: drinks—“Dear Special Counsel Mueller…or may I call you Bob? Bobby? Sorry we got off on the wrong foot and I was so rude at our last meeting. Hard being First Daughter and running a self-built clothing and voting machine empire with only illegals to do the household cleaning. Given all that the CAT must have told you, and what you’ve written lately about Manafort & Cohen, I’ve reconsidered your offer. If you’ll buy the drinks, I’ll scoop on Kushner, et al. XXX OOO.

Whatever the outcome of Emailgate—Part Deux, the publicity generated by the scandal is sure to increase sales of her “Women Who Work…” book. We see it already tops the best seller list. At the Dollar Tree store. In Waco, Texas. Wooded Acres Drive location.

David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London, England, where he tweets from @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney sporadically sighted in Waco and blogging at ContranymTimes.

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