by Gallagher and Schleicher
Sure, President Trump’s new chief of staff once called him a “terrible human being.” And, yes, a newly discovered serpentine creature that burrows underground has been named “Dermophis donaldtrumpi” in derision of the president’s position on climate change. But in this holiday season, we prefer to bring people together.
Can we set aside our divisions for just a moment, join hands and agree that Donald Trump is simply unforgettable? Likely the least forgettable president we have ever had and (inshallah) ever will have?
The some 65 percent of you who pollsters tell us think the president is a traitorous grifter with the manners of a cob roller may differ, but join us for a stroll down presidential memory lane and you’ll see nobody does it like The Donald does it.
James Buchanan: Blamed for a lot of things but stands out for having kept his promise to never marry. Compare Trump, an overachiever who’s been married three times (so far). He’s likewise remarkable for his repeated adultery soon after the birth of his son, all the while being embraced by evangelicals as God’s pick for the presidency.
George W. Bush: Let Dick Cheney drag us into an unnecessary war based on false grounds, then failed to prevent the aftermath from turning into a bloody morass adding trillions to the deficit. Nonetheless brought the nation together after 9/11 and is widely known to be a very likable guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously. Trump too has added trillions to the deficit but knows only how to divide, can’t take a joke — and absolutely no one says of Trump, “I didn’t vote for him, but I like the guy.”
Bill Clinton: A trendsetter when it came to #MeToo issues, he also is a member of the exclusive club (with Andrew Johnson) of presidents impeached by the House but saved by lack of a Senate conviction. Given Donald’s gargantuan ego, we have faith he could be the first to run the impeachment process all the way to the end zone.
Warren Harding: He oversaw a period famous for its corruption (e.g., Teapot Dome Scandal) but managed to avoid proof of personal involvement. Trump by contrast is very generous with his approach to corruption. As he’ll announce to the family at Christmas dinner, “Emoluments for you! And you! And you! And you!”
Herbert Hoover: Failed to address the Great Depression in a misguided effort to protect capitalism. Trump, on the other hand, ably frightened markets into expecting a recession with his use of tariffs, loony tweets and a dose of kleptocracy. Trump even gelded the stimulus expected from a giant tax cut, single-handedly overpowering the most robust of economies.
Richard Nixon: Resigned to avoid impeachment; famous for saying Americans wanted to know their president’s not a crook. Trump? No second-rate burglar, he stole a presidential election.
Zachary Taylor: Left the White House in a box, due to food poisoning. Trump by contrast has managed to poison the entire nation with fear and loathing, even causing children to be caged for the sin of their immigrant parents seeking a better life.
Harry S Truman: Stirred controversy over firing General MacArthur for failing to “respect the authority of the president.” Trump leapfrogged that by firing one general, causing two more to resign and allowing a lieutenant general to sink to the level of raising cries of “Lock her up” before being left to ponder life himself as a felon.
John Tyler: Considered by many a traitor to the United States for urging Virginia to leave the Union and join the Confederacy. Mr. Trump won’t settle for selling America out to fellow Americans. He upped the treason game by swapping real estate opportunities and election help for a promise to weaken sanctions on Russia over Putin’s pesky invasion of Crimea.
In short, when the history of the end of the American Empire is written, historians will post one lone sentry atop its ashes: the fearless, feckless and felonious Donald Trump. Whether he departs in four months, two years or six years, Trump to us will always be the most prionic of presidents.
David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan who lives and works in London, tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher lives in the Waco metroplex and blogs at ContranymTimes.com.