by Gallagher & Schleicher
A hallmark of Donald Trump’s leadership is to make anything and everything about his insatiable need for attention and adoration, even if it must be purloined from the goodwill attached to what had been sources of national unity. Latest example? Public holidays. Mental-health “experts” may call it narcissistic, but we call it so, so great!
His recent announcement of plans to convert the annual Fourth of July celebration of national independence into an indulgent display of self-gratification got us to thinking: The calendar is replete with misused or undervalued holidays that could be refitted for glorification of the man who self-identifies (polling be damned) as “your favorite president.” We offer the following, in order of their proposed appearance on the 2020 calendar:
Enemies of the State Day (replacing MLK Day): A relative recently posted a Facebook meme falsely alleging Democrats wanted to abolish five constitutional amendments, as well as the Senate and Supreme Court. It then asked: “When do we get to declare them ‘enemies of the state’?” Rounding up progressives like your current columnists can be a drag if you must do it year-round. Designating a single day will ensure the trains to the re-education camps run on time.
Enemies of the People Day: Same as above, but this one is for the media. It will replace the (#boring!) Super Bowl in February, thereby also teaching those unAmerican kneeling ballers a thing or two about respecting the flag and the freedom it represents.
Women’s Day: This March 8 holiday is borrowed from Mother Russia. But now it will be used to honor American women who participate in pageants, or work in their father’s businesses, or who obtain citizenship by way of modeling careers. (You know who you are.)
Trumpster Day: Easter is just plain #sad! Talk of death and resurrection, or celebrating something as modest as spring, or hiding eggs and candy from greedy children. The new holiday will focus on Playboy bunnies, non-disclosure agreements and hush money. MAGA red bonnets and matching garter belts will be issued to women deemed by POTUS to rate a 7 or higher.
Friends and Family Day: This replaces May Day, which was a bit too socialist, really, and sounds like a distress signal. We’ll turn it on its head and make it a day of redemption — as in pardons for Trump cronies indicted or convicted, and those who otherwise might be coerced into cooperating with investigations.
Parents Day: This replaces Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and, most of all, Cinco de Mayo. It will celebrate the ever-growing number of children the administration permanently separated from their parents as a means of discouraging immigration. Pure-blooded American children will build gingerbread cages in gratitude of such policies not being in effect when theirancestors (i.e., tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free) first set foot in our noble country.
Veterans of the Venezuelan War Day: This will replace D-Day and Pearl Harbor commemorations. It will honor the Americans to be injured or killed in the spring of 2019 in a period coinciding with a White House desire to distract from the Mueller investigation and the work of the U.S. Attorney’s Office in the Southern District of New York. Alternatively, “Wag the Dog Day.”
Earth Crisping Day: Replaces Earth Day and the winter and summer solstices. Honors passing the tipping point for reversing climate change. Celebrants will attempt to put out vast forest fires in California, try to survive flooding in cities along the eastern coast, build snowmen in Arizona and cook eggs on the sidewalk in Minneapolis. Children will dress as polar bears, in recognition of the fact there won’t be any left.
Unsaints Day: Replaces Halloween and All Saints Day. This will celebrate our president having committed the seven deadly sins, 12 mortal sins and 72 venial sins, all while being praised as God’s anointed. The celebration will culminate in local reenactments of Trump shooting someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue in New York City, then paying off a porn star to hide the fact he was cheating on Melania within months of the birth of their son.
Great Leader Day: The first Tuesday in November 2020 will be very memorable. It’s not yet clear if that will be due to the presidential election being cancelled, the result of being declared void by the White House based on allegations of vote-rigging, or simply a second straight win for Moscow’s efforts to manipulate us into voting for our own demise.
Last But Not Least: We finally gave some thought to borrowing the Chinese custom of having an animal represent each year. We’d use their current “Year of the Pig” — but that calls to mind unfortunate sayings like, “pigs get fed; hogs get slaughtered” and other anti-greed images.
We thus instead propose “Year of the Pangolin.” This solitary, nocturnal, scale-covered anteater (like Trump) rolls up into a hard, spiky, impenetrable ball when attacked, defeating efforts of the strongest of foes. While Trump tweets in self-defense, this creature deters predators with a noxious-smelling acid. And like our democracy, the pangolin is woefully classified as critically endangered.