King David Trump’s Press Conference

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(Clio McLennan—Special Correspondent to Contranym Times)

“God called King David a man after God’s own heart even though he was an adulterer and a murderer. You have to choose the leader that would make the best king or president and not necessarily someone who would be a good pastor.” Jerry Falwell, Jr., March 2016

Thank you all for being here, thank you very much.

First of all, our progress on making Judah great again is staggering. Tremendous. I defeated the Philistines, the Moabites, the Ammonites, the Trilobites, all of them. I was the only one who could do this, me. Nobody’s talking about it, I don’t know why. You’ll have to check that out.

But now there’s this so-called prophet, Nosy Nathan, with some secondhand information about me and Bathsheba. Supposedly I moved on Bathsheba, she was married, but I moved on her. She was married. But you know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. And then her husband, Uriah, gets killed out on the battlefield and this Nathan says I had something to do with it.

It’s all a hoax, folks. It’s all a big hoax.

My orders to General Joab were perfect: “Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.” I have news for everybody: Get over it. Kings give orders and soldiers get killed. It happens all the time.

But now the fake historical book, Two Samuel, based on that second-tier information from the so-called prophet, is saying I murdered Uriah. Wrong. I could stand in the middle of our beautiful capital city and stab someone and it wouldn’t be a crime. No crime. Ehud stabbed Fat Eglon and you call him a hero. I’m a hero here. Remember that.

I fully support transparency on the words of the so-called prophets. But some other things about Nathan have come out that are maybe more interesting. He once told me, “Whatever you have in mind, go ahead and do it, for the Lord is with you.” Did you know that? I have the mandate of heaven. He said so, I didn’t say it.

But now, I don’t know, I don’t know. There are still some people loyal to Saul around here. You know what I went through with him. People are saying, “Sir, what you go through no king has ever gone through, and it’s bad for the country.” We need transparency about the House of Saul. The “deep state.” You all should investigate that. Is Nathan working for the House of Saul? Could be, could be. You’ll have to figure that out for yourself.

Now Nosy Nathan has made a FAKE and terrible statement about me and a sheep. There was a man, he said, who was very rich (not as rich as me) and had many, many sheep. And then there was another man with just one sheep he kept as a pet. The rich man, instead of killing one of his own sheep for dinner, killed the other man’s sheep instead. This statement bore NO relation to what I said to General Joab. Arrest for Treason?

So I moved on Bathsheba. She’s pregnant now by the way. Doesn’t prove anything. And Uriah got killed. “Also, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead,” General Joab told me. I said, don’t worry about it. “The sword devours one as well as another.” There’s going to be political influence in foreign policy. The anointing of a king has consequences.

What you’re hearing from this Nathan, this career prophet, is a witch hunt. Depose me for that? When I gave wonderful orders to my general? He’s doing tremendous, by the way, General Joab. He cut off the water supply to the city of Rabbah, and the city walls will be coming down soon, many miles of wall a week. I’m very happy.

The polls are great, in all the conquered territories, they love me. They said they don’t know if one man anywhere in the world could handle what I’ve had to handle. And I think that’s true. But I handle it.

Just put this in the back of your mind. Don’t believe what you see or hear. It’s all going to be fine.


Publisher’s Note: While we have no reason to doubt the veracity of the account above, the best we can tell, Clio McLennan is the nom de plume of someone who has a job somewhere that they don’t want to put at risk by writing something. You will know you have the right person if, when asked, they deny having contributed this to the Contranym Times.

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