By Gallagher & Schleicher
Our deep state sources report that Washington, D.C. is abuzz with concerns over the President’s health—mental and physical. The behavior that gave rise to the alarm occurred on Thursday, leading teams of doctors to flock to the White House from Walter Reed National Military Medical Center and Bethesda Naval Hospital. The line of white coats and stethoscopes wound from Pennsylvania Avenue to 16th Street Northwest.
The first to notice something amiss was Miguel Shapiro, assigned to the midnight shift at the Washington Post, where his sole job was to wait for a presidential tweet. “3 a.m. came and went, then 4 a.m., then 5 a.m.—nothing; nothing at all,” Shapiro explained in off-the-record comments. “I feared he had pulled an Elvis on us.” Similar distress was reported from Tehran, where the lack of bellicose bluster from the presidential twitter feed left Iran Revolutionary Guard Corps feeling sad and empty.
First Lady Melania was the next to notice something wrong, when at 9 a.m. the President knocked on her bedroom door to surprise her with a breakfast he had someone prepare for her. “Oh, Donald,” she exclaimed, “do you have a fever? Shouldn’t you sit down and rest?” Ivanka Trump became distressed when the President passed her in the hall without giving her the once-over. “It’s gross when he does it, but when he doesn’t, I have to ask, what’s up?!?” she whispered to Jared, who promptly leaked the conversation to the press.
The deep-staters showing up for the Presidential Daily Brief dialed 911 upon realizing that the President actually had read the prior day’s briefing and he proceeded to ask intelligent questions about it. One of the briefers went so far as to theorize they were dealing with a body double. Secretary of State Pompeo likewise expressed disbelief when the President properly pronounced the name of the Iranian general he recently ordered assassinated and then proposed that, “Maybe we should do something to help Ukraine today. After all, they’re on Putin’s doorstep.”
Late in the day, defibrillator stations around the White House were put on high alert as the President declared in an Oval Office speech that, “White nationalists are bad people; immigration has always been an important part of what makes America great.” Around sunset Donald released his tax returns. Soon thereafter the perfusionists were paged to standby.
Around 11 p.m. reports began arriving of Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump being spotted in a limousine headed for Reagan National Airport. Our sources indicate they booked a flight to London, where they intended to obtain interviews for two soon-expected royal family openings. The nation is asked to keep the President in its thoughts until he is able to return to his golf-course-waddling, stream-of-consciousness-ranting, World-War-III-inviting ways.
Yes, it’s satire. David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London and tweeting at @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney splitting his time between Waco and D.C. and blogging at ContranymTimes.com. © 2020 by Level-Headed Leadership, LLC, which bears sole responsibility for its content. This originally was posted Sunday, January 12, 2020.