(DSN) A letter leaked to our Deep State News sources reveals Satan has fired President Donald Trump, citing “incessant incompetence.” In an off-the-record exclusive interview with DSN, Satan confirmed his view that “Donald is plenty evil, just incapable of planning beyond the end of the day. He’s a capital-L LOSER.”
The Devil became a bit misty-eyed as he fondly recalled earlier shared accomplishments of caging children, labelling white supremacists “very fine people,” p-grabbing, and stealing the 2016 election with the help from a foreign adversary. Lucifer contrasted those with Trump’s failure this week to capitalize on the scene wherein he waived a Bible in the air at St. John’s Church, neighboring the White House.
“That was the moment! The very instant he was to declare he was in charge of all the churches and he f***ed it up! He froze!” The Father of Evil described what, “by contract” was to be “Trump’s Antichrist Moment” instead consisting of Donald “flubbing his lines” to the point it became the “the Anticlimax Minute.”
Our sources further indicate that Trump’s scheduled announcement that he was the Antichrist fell into disarray over who would serve as the False Prophet. The Most Rev. Paula White claimed she had been hired for the role, while Melania objected to her spending too much time alone with The Donald.
The termination of Donald T. from his role as Degenerate-in-Chief additionally thwarted plans for release of a Trump Bible. Taking a cue from the Thomas Jefferson Bible (which deleted references to miracles), the Trump Bible was to delete all references to the virtue of humility and vices of greed and lust. It also would devote an entire chapter to loving one’s enemies—or at least their heads of state.
Bitter Trump 2020 campaign staffers noted that they had been promised their pay would be funded by sales of the Trump Bible to the millions of Donald-loving, highly-gullible evangelicals who previously identified as Christians.
The White House released a statement asserting that “no one has done more to promote wickedness in America than President Trump.” It cited recent accomplishments of having tear-gassed priests to make room for the St. John’s photo op, turning a death that provided an opportunity for positive reform into a chance to further divide the country, and managing to turn the Coronavirus crisis into a pandemic that unnecessarily killed extra tens of thousands and caused unending suffering.
Trump himself refused to comment to our reporters, preferring to hide under the bed (pictured below) in his bunker until a lightning storm passed. Staff waited patiently outside, plying the president with promises of endless fried chicken, lollipops, and porn stars. Vice-President Pence alternately attempted to shame the President into ceasing his “thumb-sucking, bed-wetting ways” and to “get the Hell out from underneath that mattress.”
[Contranym Times has suspended its pay wall this week to provide its readers with free Armageddon-related coverage.]
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